Call Me by Your Name – Pain > Nothing

Call Me by Your Name – Pain > Nothing

Call Me by Your Name – Pain > Nothing

English teachers everywhere rejoice! Somebody has fully absorbed the lesson of show, don’t tell. And that somebody is director Luca Guadagnino and the original writer André Aciman of Call Me by Your Name. 

Teenagers, and to a lesser extent all humans, occupy two competing spaces simultaneously. At once they want to discuss and figure out their extreme emotional states. At the same time, though, they want to project confidence and thus avoid vulnerable topics. To adult observers, this confidence is often seen as the thin veneer it is. Since these observations aren’t usually shared, the gap between how a teenager views himself and how the world views him can be quite large. Again, this is true for people of all ages, but teenagers are living with such unprecedented feelings that the peaks and valleys are greater than they will probably ever be.

Call Me by Your Name understands all of this. So there aren’t explicit discussions of what’s going on, just everyday actions that say more than words ever could.

Then there were some words, words that helped close that gap, that were so good I had to find the book version of Call Me by Your Name. The speech is from father (who looks so much like Joaquin Phoenix) to son (Elio, played by Timothée Chalamet) after heartbreak:

“What lies ahead will be very difficult.

Fear not. It will come. At least I hope it does. And when you least expect it. Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot. Just remember: I am here. Right now you may not want to feel anything. Perhaps you never wished to feel anything. And perhaps it’s not with me that you’ll want to speak about these things. But feel something you did. 

You had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you. In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet soon enough. But I am not such a parent. In your place, if there is pain, nurse it, and if there is a flame, don’t snuff it out, don’t be brutal with it. Withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night, and watching others forget us sooner than we’d want to be forgotten is no better. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything – what a waste!

Then let me say one more thing. It will clear the air. I may have come close, but I never had what you had. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business. But remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. Most of us can’t help but live as though we’ve got two lives to live, one is the mockup, the other the finished versions, and then there are all those versions in between. But there’s only one, and before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now there’s sorrow. I don’t envy the pain. But I envy you the pain.”

“Call Me by Your Name” made me THINK.

The final scene was wonderful in many of the same ways that the entire film was wonderful: it didn’t say anything explicitly.

There was Sufjan Stevens singing “I have loved you for the last time,” which was good enough for a cry in isolation.

But then you had Elio staring into a fire crying and saying nothing as life continued around him. (Side note: The reality that life doesn’t stop just because you are in so much pain made me think of LCD Soundsystem’s Someone Great. And it keeps coming. And it keeps coming.)

Perhaps the most emotional scene I’ve witnessed in 2017.

“Call Me by Your Name” made me CRY.


Adam Schaefer

Adam Schaefer

Adam likes banana flavoring more than bananas. His first R-rated movie was "Beverly Hills Cop 3." He is also a semi-famous somniloquist.
Adam Schaefer

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